All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
