please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
the raccoons are back...
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