Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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