so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
