John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
