Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
