Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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