No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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