I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
