They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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