dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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