well I can't set my house on fire every night
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This is my gift to your gina
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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