I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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