Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just pee around me
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
