So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
