Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
