I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize