if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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