people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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