apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
