Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
