I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize