my phone needs a breathalizer
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
