Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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