One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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