I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
