Ambien. No doubt about it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just googled if crying burns calories
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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