two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
