i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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