paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
