I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
