Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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