Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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