How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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