I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
