He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
