i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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