there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
