Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
