Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
