my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
