yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
