she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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