Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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