what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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