When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
