He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
