Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
