Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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