Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
