Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
as a side note pls kill me
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