And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
