please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He did a backflip because drugs
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
