speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
