Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
