i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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