Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
