i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
pray to the hookup gods
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
