oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
