you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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