I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
