I didn't shave. On purpose
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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