Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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