After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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